Help Me Speak
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS

When an issue arises between two people, one will react along a continuum between avoidance and explosion. Avoiding the situation solves nothing, it is like hiding in a corner. Exploding solves nothing also. It makes things worse. Follow these five steps to start a difficult conversation:

 

  1. Ask for their time

  2. State the facts

  3. State your feelings

  4. State your needs

  5. Ask for their feedback

This balances power between you.
Assume 'A' is the person with the issue.
'A' is approaching 'B'.
A has power with 2, 3 and 4.
B has power with 1 and 5.

 1.    Ask for their time
        Is B ready to listen?
        Probably not, if angry, busy or tired.

        How to ask for time:

  • MAY I talk to you?

  • DO you have 10 minutes...?

  • I have something IMPORTANT to talk to you about

  • WHEN would be a good time?

  • DO you have a moment?

  2.  State the facts

  • State facts, not opinions.

  • When you state cold, hard facts NO ONE can stay ANGRY at you, because you are telling the truth.

  • Release the guilt.

  • Confront comfortably, practice, rehearse.

Don't avoid the other person. Don't lash out either. If you start with an opinion or judgment, they will likely feel accused, insulted or furious.
 

USE FACTS

NOT OPINIONS
You borrowed...without asking

You were late

I noticed you checking...

You didn't give me...

You used ... and now it's not working

You didn't return...

You interrupted me 3 times

-- avoid ALWAYS --

-- avoid NEVER --

You need to learn how to...

Your tone of voice is harsh

 You're rude!

You don't care about me!

You don't trust me!

You don't love me!

You're irresponsible!


You forgot

You're so inconsiderate!

You ALWAYS call in sick.

You NEVER wash the dishes

You stupid idiot

You have a poor attitude!

Use facts. Be like a REPORTER at the scene. Good reporters state facts, not opinions. Be:

  • Neutral

  • Detached

  • Effective at pointing out problems

Start facts with:

  • I noticed...

  • Three times this month you...

  • You just...

  • At the meeting you...

  • When you...

Avoid the words ALWAYS and NEVER. B will counter and your discussion will go nowhere.
 

   3.  State your feelings
         Show how their behavior effects you.

  • Use 2 - 3 words

  • GIVE them insight. Help them live life well!

  • Help them by saying how you want to be treated.

  • This is a power tool!

  • Effective way to get what you want. Esp) when people don't want to cooperate with you.

Expressing feelings can be overused, too often, too much. Then they become ineffective.

Why mention your feelings?

  • Someone's unintentional act may irritate you

  • They do not realize

  • We all differ in how we want to be treated

  • We have different standards, tolerances, life styles

  • They need to understand why they need to change their behavior

Own your feelings. Speak for yourself. No one can deny that. Saying 'I feel uncomfortable...' is very strong language when you can go up a chain of command. Hostile environments and harassment are very costly in the workplace and devastating at home. Some ways to express negative feelings:

  • I feel upset, frustrated, uncomfortable, unhappy, angry, irked, stunned...

  • I am upset

  • This is upsetting to me

Some ways to express positive feelings:

  • I feel happy, pleased, satisfied, proud, excited, peaceful, honored, grateful...

  • I am glad

Speak only for yourself. Avoid saying 'I feel like you...'. We are not comfortable expressing our own feelings, so we talk about the other person instead, such as 'I feel like you are trying to upset me'. This is an interpretation and will likely cause an argument.

Be careful about 'non-feeling' words that attack the other person. "I feel lied to" implies "You are a liar". To lie is not a feeling. It is best to say the facts and how you feel; "When you didn't tell me where you really were, I felt angry." You make your point, and they are less likely to feel defensive.

Most people do not realize they are upsetting you. Frequently people do not understand how their behavior affects you or others. So, it is important to say WHY you feel the way you do. Use the word BECAUSE to state why.

  • I'm irritated when you interrupt me, because it breaks my train of thought.

  • I feel angry when you borrow my things without asking, because I don't know where they are.

   4.  State your needs

When someone upsets you, you want them to change their behavior. You need to describe the new behavior in specific, non-blaming words. Being clear about the behavior you want before you speak will help you be calmer and more confident.

  • Describe the behavior wanted

    • Clean up after yourself

  • Do not attack character

    • Stop being a slob

  • Be specific

    • Say "Spend within your budget" rather than "Get with the program"

You are likely to start a fight when you label and insult someone. To say "I need":

  • What I would like...

  • Would you please...

  • I'd prefer it if...

  • I'm asking you to...

   5.  Ask for their feedback
Show that you are open. Ask for their viewpoints to invite cooperation. Some good examples are:

  • What do you think?

  • Okay?

  • What's your reaction?

  • How does that sound to you?

  • How do you see it?

  • What are your vibes?

If a stronger close is needed, then:

  • Is that clear?

  • Got it?

  • All right?

  • Okay?

Put it together:

Check: Can I talk to you about something important?
Facts:  Last week you borrowed my tools without asking.
Feelings: I felt angry, because I couldn't complete a customer order.
Needs:  I'll lend them, however, you need to ask first.
Ask: Okay?

Do you want to be a shrinking violet?

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